That Fine Line

Yooooo peeps. I can't sleep~!

It's been like that for 2 days now. Woke up at 4am. AGAIN!! T_T
Only difference is today I actually got out of bed.... To sit in front of the comp XD

Hey... If I can't sleep must as well do SOMETHING
Guess I'll just write a bit then try to go back to sleep hopefully I can get a few hours shuteye

I was just thinking.

In many situations, I'm always the middle guy. I don't really know why, but a lot of times it happens to BE that way.... for some unknown reason.

Sometimes I enjoy it, sometimes I don't, I do feel guilty sometimes. Somehow.

It's like this. Sometimes in relationships I become the middle man. Sometimes in the club/organization I feel like the middle man. Sometimes in between a few clubs/organizations I feel like the middle man. I've come to realize I sort of walk that fine line between many things in life.

Of course I do have times where I AM on a certain side. But mostly.. It's like that

Why???? I always always feel like I'm in the middle. Knowing both sides of the story. Sometimes. Or most of the times.

It's a good thing? Perhaps? But I feel at times, it's such a huge burden. And such a huge responsibility. To listen and understand the burden of both parties

To try and understand them both. To try and get them both to understand.

The worries and woes of the other party. But usually.

I don't think I'm doing such a good job of it. I feel guilty mostly.... For not being able to get both sides to understand each other and work together

I feel that's the responsibility of a middle man, you know? But I never understood why I'm always that middle guy???

Is there some characteristic about me that makes me suitable for that role? Am I meant to learn through trial and error how to be a middle man???

But I did learn one thing. Its that both sides usually have a story of their own. Even though they are actually talking about the same story.

Meaning you wont really get the clear picture of the original story unless you hear both sides. And perhaps it'll be even better if you can find someone (third party) who witnessed the story from a third person point of view (very rare , because humans tend to take sides , and those that don't usually don't bother to know what's going on)

I'm facing problems? Merging and forging a strong bond between both sides. And I wanted to try and be a bridge too last time. And I wanted to forge strong bonds too last time. But I can't.

I'm.
Just.
Not.
Brave.
Enough.

I'm not confident enough. Sometimes I just get so frustfrated with myself. Why can't I just be brave? Bold? Confident? I believe I could use a lot more of it.

What does it take to be confident? Mostly for me you need to be observant with people's behaviour... And just be more knowledgable than others. Then your more than halfway there I suppose. The final phase is probably just executing. Daring to say what you think is right.

Sometimes I'm not observant enough. Sometimes I'm not knowledgable enough. Sometimes I don't dare enough.

I still can be, so much better.... I'm lacking so much. For a guy. I can't believe I'm like this. I can be... so much better... I don't believe I've tapped into my full potential yet.. And the same goes with millions of other people...

I feel so.. Limited... My capabilities are only this much? That's it? I think I should really start taking risks... Make a few mistakes... Probably I can learn more. It's not like me to play safe at all.

Im someone who takes risks in life. And someone who does projects quickly , and swiftly. That was the old me.

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Personal scale though, I've been improving =)))) hahaha... Friends have told me I'm back to my usual horny self. After sooooo long.

I haven't felt happy for a longggggg time =)))) but it just seems like there's something missing... Something important... I cant puy my finger on it. If I can find out what it is I'm missing within me.... Probably I'll be really back to my usual self =)))

Maybe I'm not being totally honest with myself? I should be.... I don't know. It's a bit hard to tell my own emotions too sometimes.

I'll find out the source for sure =)))

But that's okay, life is about discovery, and many times in life you rediscover yourself. It's a learning process like any other =))) or maybe not like any other? hahahaha....

It's nearly 4.30am.... Got 3 meetings to attend later

I think I should get some rest.

I gotta get physically more fit/stronger for the end of this week =)))) i can't wait!! I have to be stronger so my friends won't have to worry about me =)))

So I can't do this to my body.

I suppose, I should go and try to get a few hours sleep =))) got meeting at 10... gotta wake up at 8.30.

Wish me luck in SLEEPINGGGGGGGG!!!!!! gniteeee!!! :DDDDDD

p.s. It can't be... What I think it is.... right?