It's rare to feel this way

Have you ever felt that kind of fear?

The fear where, you don't really understand what is it about?

Yes, that fear where, you don't know what or you don't know when or you don't know how

Have you ever?

Yes, I have, several times. To me, I started to wonder what it is all about?

Why is it that some people who are really successful are still happy even though they have way bigger problems than most people could think of?

Does it come with the package of being successful? Is happiness automatically included in that package? What about that special kind of fear?

If you don't know what kind of fear I am talking about, it is quite alright. You may or may not have been through it

But maybe, just maybe, this feeling... this fear, comes from being insecure about something.

I feel vulnerable in that state. I feel like someone could just say words that attack straight to my heart in those moments. But I hold back and pray nothing happens

If so, then what am I insecure about? Is there something that I lack in my life?

If I was not insecure, then I would face my challenges more bravely, and perhaps I wouldn't be so.... morbid?

Being successful sure is a challenge. I respect people who are successful very much. I want to be like them. Just like them.

I wonder if they ever felt insecure about themselves ever? I don't know, but I know one thing

If they did feel insecure about themselves

they always came clean with themselves, always staying honest and truthful to themselves

Not many people realize that they deny their feelings at least half the time

Remember the time when you wanted to ask a question in class but didn't?

Remember that time when you wanted to talk to that girl in a polite manner without intentions, but didn't?

Remember that time, when you really just wanted something so bad, but never it in you to take action?

Yeah, sometimes, or more often than not, we aren't so truthful with our own feelings.

Maybe that's where my insecurity lies?

I don't really understand myself either. It feels like there are a lot of things I would like to talk about but I can't find the words to express them.

We live in a really judgmental world. It's normal to feel insecure in front of people's eyes.

The important thing would be, never to run away when people do judge you.

I started to realize a lot of things about... working adults. So that's just a small feeling of what it feels like to have a boss?

My oh my, the feeling sucks. I'm thankful I only have lecturers now HAHA!

At least I'm a little prepared, at least I know a little bit of what it feels like. But hey, I'm starting to appreciate student life already XD

So what is it that I feel so insecure about?

Is it the fact that I might not be loved? But hey, I'm sure my parents and family love me... But do I love them back? I do not know.

It's hard for me to express myself in certain ways. Sometimes words don't do as much good as action. Sometimes.

But maybe, most of the time. Will I ever find out why am I so insecure?

Am I? Or maybe it's just, an illusion in such a way that I simply crave attention by telling people how insecure I am? Maybe... or maybe not.

Maybe this insecurity comes from not knowing what the future holds?

Maybe it comes from not knowing what responsibilities lie ahead?

Yes, maybe. Decisions are hard. Especially when you're not prepared for it.

But hey, life was never that easy to begin with. That's what makes it worth living for, anyway.

I started to think, maybe, just maybe, everyone has insecurities?

Yes, I think most of us or even all of us do. But why do we hide our insecurities from each other?

Fear? Because we are afraid about what others would say?

Yes..... That would make sense. Or maybe we are just afraid that people won't accept our insecurities?

You know, we hide a lot of things from each other. Humans do. All the time. Even when I'm with others, I rarely do show everything about me. And I believe there are a few sides of me.

Some of my friends know all of me, some just know a few parts of me, and some know only one part of me. We do act differently in different groups of friends.

Sometimes, you just don't know what to say.

They say you have to change in order to be the change. It's easier to change yourself than to change someone else. That's true

So I always wondered, how much do I have to change, really? Maybe I'm just staying still and not really changing at all? Maybe I'm not always facing the problems head on like I thought I was doing?

I always wondered if I would succeed. There is doubt still in me.

What if I go into the adult world and become like everyone else?

Yeah... What if after all the dreams I have in my head, I STILL end up like EVERYONE ELSE?!?!?

What if I fail my relationships?

What if I never get married?

What if I just live a normal, simple, unsatisfying life?

What if my dreams are gone?

I don't know the answers to those questions...

Sometimes I just wish god or whoever created us would just tell us those answers that we want to hear.

Why?

Because with all this dreaming I have, maybe those dreams will just stay as dreams and never come true...

Why?

It just feels... Like I'm straying from what I want to do

Do I really want this?

I feel like I'm really not doing what I want to do.

But I said I would do it. So I don't have a choice. I must.

Because successful people do what they said they would do no matter what.

Not because they feel like it, but because they SAID it.

if you go back on your word, you lose respect from others, and worst of all, you lose respect from yourself.

But I have. So many times. Went back on my words. Not doing things I said I would do.

I hate it. So much. That feeling bites at me like a huge hole is in my heart.

Why am I like this? Why can't I just change? And why am I just complaining about it here in this blog and never really doing anything about it?

I really just.... don't understand myself. Why???? Is it because I'm doing something I don't want to do?

But I said I would do it..

But I this isn't what I want to do...

But successful people do what unsuccessful people don't do....

But I feel unsatisfied...

But taking up responsibilities are a good practice so long as you fulfill it.

Is it?

I don't know.

I'm not making much sense to myself.

But does it matter? Not really.

I'm just

Confused.

Will dreams really just stay a dream?

Am I really just a normal guy?

I want to be so much more to the world.

I want my life to mean something.

Will it really be meaningless?

Is giving up on something you don't want to do, still considered giving up?

Like your job? If you hate your job with a passion, is quitting considered giving up?

Is it??? Sometimes it is for the best.

What about what people think? You said you would do it.

Yes I did. Yes I did.... Then I should just do it and stop complaining and start facing the problems and fears that I have deep down and make a change make a mark and make dreams come true. Why not?

I'm just.... so afraid. Maybe things won't work out, maybe things will be bad.

I hate living up to other people's expectations. What about my expectations?

Hate it. Hate. I.t.

And now

Comes the worst thing about me

When I am down

I always feel

I should never trouble people with my problems

I never look for my friends when I have problems

I never talk to them about my serious emotional problems, when they happen

Never.

That part about me just really sucks.

It's like there aren't any friends that I can trust.

Why can't I just open up? Man. I'm such an anti-social guy when it comes to that kind of thing.

It's probably the fear, but it's gonna eat me up at this rate.

There are people who I could talk to.

But I choose not to. Instead I distract myself by doing other stuff.

How long am I gonna avoid the problems I face in my life?

What is keeping me from talking to people?

I just don't get myself sometimes.

I will never be a leader unless I learn to connect with people.

Nor will I ever be able to love someone else, if I don't start loving myself first.

Sometimes I wonder

Is it better to never go through this kind of phase?

There are people who don't have this kind of problem. Does that mean that I might be making progress?

If problems never ever occur in one's life, then one's life is seriously in trouble.

I'm really not able to make real decisions right now.

I want to make the decision to make a change.

But I can't right now... It just feels so.. disheartening.

Mm... I should stop right here, I've expressed enough. Anymore would do no good for me.

I'll lighten up again, no worries =)

the bright side is that maybe this phase happened for a reason

Just maybe, but it's still a small glimmer of hope, and that's all I need =)

Thanks, if you read this far, it's been a pleasure writing for whoever enjoys reading this blog =) Even though I'm a bit weird at times HAHA! XD

Thanks folks, tataaaaa~~! =)